In hindsight

It's always funny to look back on the things you're unwilling to admit happened.  I always believed that love was supposed to be tumultuous.  Love was supposed to hurt you, and burn you so good you craved it.  In reality, in the moment of love I am living now, I've learned that love is supposed to enlighten you.  Love is supposed to make you smile and it should never burn you.  It should make you warm.

But I will never denied that I loved him.  I will never deny that the pain of loving someone you cannot have is addicting, and that I am a recovering addict.  He was in my past, and he is as apart of me as he was those years ago.  I have learned my lesson, and I have found something worth holding onto.

“Be mine again?” He asked, arms circled around my waist. I had to crane my neck to look him straight in the eyes. My hands clasped lightly around his neck. I could feel the dark skin on my palm, the curls on my fingertips. Heat, engulfing me everywhere we touched. Ice formed in my chest.
“Let me love you.”
His fingers played at my sides, skimming my sweater, the fabric barely brushing my skin. His knees knocked with mine as we swayed to the music we had composed together during our time. His foot brushed mine, and his knee parted mine. I started letting go, moving my hands from his neck and my feet back. I rested my arms on his biceps, the muscles moving where I touched. I could see the uncertainty in his movements. The sharp intake of breath giving him away.
“I choose you.”
I laughed. Questioned him, joked about our situation, and rolled my eyes. Inside I was melting into him, giving pieces of my heart to him. Outside, I was pushing him away and breaking his heart. I wanted it, couldn’t handle it, didn’t need it, wasn’t ready. The cons outweighed the pros. He was more dangerous than he was safe. In his arms, I would break myself. I would burn and melt. I would suffocate by engulfing myself in him.
“I want you.”
Words every girl wants to hear. I’m just like every girl, but the difference is I walked away. I broke both of our hearts. I made us into lost loves. He will always be someone I care deeply for, but being together would never work out. We could never be one. I wouldn’t allow it.